This morning, a folded sheet of paper in my pocket scrawled with a message to the universe. I sail through fields of yellow and green, skies of blue and white. A balloon floating aimlessly within an ocean of wind.
My car abandoned on the road behind becomes a distant reflection of sunlight against metal. A totem of reality drifting further as the conscious mind fades into living meditation, guided by the land, by forces unseen. Forces that drape my face with the warm glow of sunlight, swim through my hair as the breath of earth. Pulls my surrendered body through time through space into an unrealized dream from within the womb. Written pages of my story gone blank at birth, speak softly now, lure me now, to these next few hours forever lost in time.
Every moment a discovery, every inhale the first inhale. Lungs a pink sponge absorbing freedom.
I’m really dying here.
In a valley of flowers. A mountain of rock. The purity of creation exists below my feet, surrounds the shell of my soul, blankets the crown of my skull. Engulfed within the mouth of truth, a prism of self-reflection, the gateway to transcendence.
A rising fear of what I cannot see coils in my stomach like the snakes I worry are in my path. Hidden amongst thick mounds of bush, balled in an endless pointillism of yellow flower, camouflaged against piles of rock and earth.
The symbolic fear of a serpent in the garden. Paradise stained by a cloud of darkness as a drop of ink bleeds through water. A tinge of unrest just enough to turn flowers into snake beds. A pebble of fear in the base of my shoe, a sharp reminder with every step, every step within the vast landscape of untouched beauty.
Further. I walk further.
The invisible hand of a familiar heart gently pushes me along. At my own pace, my own will, with a trust I’ll be okay here. A blind faith I am where I should be right now, guided by the spirit of another.
My totem disappears.
The field stretches on to an infinite plane of yellow stars against green earth against a horizon of mountain. A perspective painted as mighty rock rising before me, to a gossamer haze of triangles that blend with blue skies far into the distance. I stand before this scene, eyes squint from sunlight, I stand before this scene as the wind builds to a roar. As single particles of dirt brush face, as thick patches of desert grass blow to the east like seaweed in a slow-moving current, as two eagles circle overhead on a canvas of lapis. I stand before this scene overcome with a serenity gnawed by fear.
A whisper of wind pushes me toward the mountain while visions of snakes, of forces beyond my control linger uncomfortably. Alone in an isolated desert, no one knows where I am. The fear of death. Because my mind goes to the extreme.
I will die.
I will die and rot and fold into the earth forever a missing person.
As my feet carry me forward.
I’m not going up. A thought that makes me laugh.
There is no way. I’ve gone this far, I say aloud to whatever may be listening, I’ve gone this far and I don’t need to go up any more.
As my feet carry me forward.
I’m not going up.
But I know how important it is that I do. For a reason I don’t know yet, I have to continue. Maybe because I stop in fear so much in life, maybe because I’m tired of thoughts holding me back from living my dreams.
Maybe because I’m ready to be free.
Or maybe because I just want to climb a mountain and need to stop being a baby.
My feet carry me forward.
I examine the terrain, searching for movement with every step. Slowly, carefully I venture up, avoiding any thick patch of grass. Something catches my eye ahead. A horseshoe rests in my path. Old and rusted, hidden amongst rocks. A smile forms as I feel tension release from my body. Something somewhere tells me I am moving in the right direction and something somewhere tells me the path is clear.
Thank you. Two words trail my thoughts then disintegrate into the wind.
The slope of land descending beneath my feet is one long thread to level ground. A longer thread back to the car, my totem to reality. But here, here I am somewhere else entirely. An animate mass of flesh and bone, blood and muscle, descendent of all that flows through me, around me, beneath me and above me. Here I am present. Here I am an expression of – I don’t know. Right now I don’t think I really need to know. Because right now I move my feet. I take the next step.
And the next.
And the next.
To where clouds seem to merge with land.
Like old clothes that begin to fall from my body, the fear of what could be is stripped layer by layer to the ground where it absorbs into earths inner core. With each step my pace quickens, becomes more confident. I am okay.
Seconds from the top my thoughts rest only on the beauty of this experience. Of my independence as a human being living in the moment. Right now.
As feet hit flat ground, my thoughts silence.
Because my eyes, they are open. To endless miles of something I can only say brings me to my knees, takes the breath from my spirit and fills me with – everything. With tears that well so purely in my eyes.
Had instinct not pulled the car over –
Had I not followed a trail of yellow flowers –
Had I turned back –
Had I let go of an unforeseen hand –
Had I succumb to fear –
Had I lost faith in what guided me along this journey, I would not be here to overlook the world from the peak of my highest self.
And I remember the piece of paper I wrote on this morning. I pull it from my pocket and read the single sentence scribbled in ink.
What am I supposed to learn today?
A grin spreads across my face.
Again, two words filter through my head and into the wind. Thank you.
I fold the paper into a small square and tuck it under a rock.
Maybe someone, someday will make the same journey.
Maybe someone, someday will turn a stone.
Maybe someone, someday.