I spoke to a psychic a month ago about all of my indecision. She said I needed to write, but had to start from the beginning. It was crucial to talk about what was, before getting into what is.

Life is like this constant movie. An interactive motion picture that we have the ability to shape and make as fruitful as we like, but the ending is already set. No matter what we do, no matter the choices we make, it all comes out the same. Like the digestive process. We make all of these choices, put all of this food into our mouths – healthy snacks, junk food, carbs, sugar, vegetables, protein powder, blah blah blah – but ultimately it all comes out one nasty brown poop. All those decisions effect how your body feels, how it functions. They play a part in the story of your life, but the outcome is a preset thing.

And just like that I compared life to poop.

I always wanted to be an actor. Or some kind of public figure from a very early age. Since I can remember I was acting on my parents coffee table, dancing around the house, speaking into a makeshift microphone, writing awards acceptance speeches and reciting them in front of a mirror or in the shower. There are some pretty amazing VHS recordings of me belting out Michael Jackson, Simply Red and Sade. Smooth Operator and Holding Back The Years were amongst my Top 40. Each performance always began the same, a self introduction to the crowd consisting of my grandma, grandpa, mom, dad and aunt.

“Ladies and Gentleman, introducing Ryan Heller !”

I wore my dads tank tops that I pranced around in like dresses, walked on my tip-toes and always gave an encore or three whether it was wanted or not.

That was then.

A pinhole glimpse into something that I hold tight in a menagerie of memories kept pristine in my mind. Those memories are all I have at times. The things that make me feel like something awesome was always brewing and I just had to look within to make it happen. Instead I always looked out – to someone or something else who could give me the golden ticket that I needed for whatever validation I could not find in myself.

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