I’m not even sure I know where to begin. Or what this is going to be about. What I know for sure is right now.
Right now I know that I just smoked a cigarette after having quit 9 months ago. What I know is that in an attempt to extinguish a feeling of pain – momentary mental insanity brought about by feelings of inadequacy [or jealousy, inferiority, fill in the blank] – I drove to the drive through Quick-E-Mart by my house and bought a pack of Marlboro 27’s in an attempt to soothe whatever angst I am carrying.
Here’s what else I know right now:
I am not focused.
I am treading familiar waters.
I am making myself nervous.
I am not sure what my partner is feeling.
I am lost.
These old feelings of insecurity + self doubt + emotional wreckage are coming at a time when I know that my life has been going well. Like that carnival ride with the pirate ship that swings like a pendulum up to the right – it is now beginning to make it’s way back to the other side.
And the other side is not pretty.
So here’s the moment where I make a choice, right?
That pivotal, epic moment in a movie where a killer song comes on and the character narrates his feelings about life. I’m not sure what my song is at the moment, but it would probably be a Florence and the Machine acoustic something. [The MTV Unplugged version of Breaking Down is amazing and would probably work well].
My thoughts can be so easily skewed. By a feeling. An idea. A person.
All of this rambling and emotional garbage might be a great segue into me. A full circle sort of thing to cue these autobiographical words of wisdom that will change the world. I have not felt this introspective in a long time, at least not so much as to actually begin putting words to paper. Or in this case, push buttons on a keyboard.
So how about it then? This bit here can be the forward. The prologue.
And now I begin.
Thank you for inviting me to read your blog. I admire your courage to tell your story ....
I quit smoking April of 2015. After over 30 years. I then went back to smoking quit again and started vaping. now i hear that is just as bad as smoking. but i can breath and my car doesn't smell like smoke. you lasted 9 months that is pretty impressive to me! i look forward to reading the rest of your blog.
Hey Tori - it has now been 3 years since I smoked. That was the first entry I wrote :) I hope you enjoy the rest of the blog!